Irish Jokes

[TJ]

Original Thread started on: Apr 11th, 2003, 4:12pm By: TJ

[glow=LimeGreen,4,500]Put IRISH JOKES Only
In This Thread
Plz n' Thanks [/glow]

An Irishman, Englishman & a Scotsman go into a pub & each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down & one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs & takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers & shakes him yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, YA LITTLE BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!"

[TJ]

_{« Reply #1 on: Apr 11th, 2003, 4:25pm »}

[glow=LimeGreen,4,500]IRISH CEMETERY:[/glow]

THREE IRISHMEN, (Paddy, Sean & Seamus), were stumbling home from the Pub late one night & found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing" says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O' Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name? asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker,

and exclaims,




"MILES, FROM DUBLIN"...

[TJ]

_{« Reply #2 on: Apr 11th, 2003, 4:35pm »}

[glow=LightGreen,4,500]IRISH MIRACLE:[/glow]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So", says the cop to the driver, "Where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the Pub of course", slurs the drunk.

"Well, says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did alright", the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know", says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, " that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of the car"?


"Oh, THANK HEAVENS", sighs the drunk.






"FOR A MINUTE THERE, I THOUGHT I'D GONE DEAF"!!!

[TJ]

_{« Reply #3 on: Apr 11th, 2003, 4:50pm »}

[glow=LimeGreen,4,500]IRISH ACCIDENT:[/glow]

Brenda O' Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?", he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery".

"Oh, God no"! cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me......"

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry"!

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How'd it happen", Tim?

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly"?

"Well, no Brenda....no.



Fact is, HE GOT OUT THREE TIMES TO PEE"!!!

[TJ]

_{« Reply #4 on: Apr 11th, 2003, 4:56pm »}

[glow=LightGreen,4,500]IRISH PREDICAMENT:[/glow]

Drunk, Ole' Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole' Mulvihill just sits there.

Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles,





" AIN'T NO USE KNOCKIN', COS' THERE'S 'NO' PAPER ON THIS SIDE EITHER".

[TJ]

_{« Reply #5 on: Apr 11th, 2003, 5:04pm »}

[glow=Yellow,4,500]IRISH LAST REQUEST:[/glow]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she is in tears.

He says, " 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, " Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband died last night."

The Priest says, " Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests"?

She says, "That he did, Father"!

The Priest says, " What did he ask, Mary"?





She replies, "HE SAID, 'PLEASE MARY, PUT DOWN THAT GUN!"

[TJ]

« Reply #6 on: Aug 12th, 2003, 12:49pm By: DEX »

English man, Scotsman & A Irish man working on a building site. It's lunch time. They're all their with their lunch boxes...

English man looks in and says, "Hamf sandwhiches bloody ham sandwhiches if I get ham tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off the roof".

Scotsman looks, "Haggis bloody sandwich's sick of bloody haggis sandwich's"! If I get haggis tomorrow, I will threw myself off the roof as well..

Paddy says egg and tomato, "I Do Not Like egg and tomato"! If I get this tomorrow, I will threw my self off the roof as well....

So lunch time tomorrow, Englishman..."Ham sandwich's"...Up to the roof he goes and jumps off.

Scotsman looks..."Bloody haggis"...Up to the roof he goes and jumps off.

Paddy says "Oh bloody egg sandwich's"! Up to the roof he goes and jumps off.

At the cremations, the three wives are all talking. The Englishman's wife says, "If only he had told me", crying! Scotsman's wife says, "I had no idea he hated haggis"! Paddy's wife says, " I dont understand it"!?! Why they asked?


Paddy's wife said "He always made his own sandwich's".............lol

[TJ]

« Reply #7 on: Aug 17th, 2003, 05:30am By: CORKMAN »


lmao..............i haven't laughed like that since...............yeah.

[TJ]

_{« Reply #8 on: Sep 19th, 2003, 1:16pm »}

The Shipwreck:


The Stranded Irishman.

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly,
emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, " Oh me heaven Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Oh my, Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around ?" ... exposing much of her body .

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!

[Mutteruk]

hehehehehehe they are so funny!!