FUNNY Sayings/Stories/Poems/Quotes/Etc

[DEX - \m/]

I can well imagine those when I used to work for the government dept responsible for driving tests you should have seen some of the things we got threw the post asking to reverse failed tests because the sun was to bright etc etc ..so funny but they do happen......

[DEX - \m/]

:oIf Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends ??

[TJ]

[glow=LimeGreen,4,500]Why Men Are Happier Than Women...[/glow]

1. We keep our last name.

2. The garage is all ours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. We can be president.

6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

8. The world is our urinal.

9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.

16. One mood, ALL the time.

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. We know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. We can open all our own jars.

21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. Everything on our face stays its original color.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. We almost never have strap problems in public

28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. We don't have to shave below our neck.

31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. We can " do " our nails with a pocket-knife.

34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes

[Mutteruk]

these are soooo funny where do you get them from?!?!?!

[TJ]

Most Of Them From E-Mails or Off The Net

Common Sense:


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend
by the name of...
COMMON SENSE
who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered
as having cultivated such valued lessons as
knowing when to come in/out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm
&
that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple,
sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)
&
reliable parenting strategies
(adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate
when well intentioned,
but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate,
teens suspended from school for
using mouthwash after lunch,
&
a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruley student
only worsened his condition!

It declined even further when schools
were required to get parental consent
to administer aspirin
to a student but could not inform the
parents when a student became pregnant
&
wanted to have an abortion.

Finally,
Common Sense
lost the will to live as
the Ten Commandments became contraband,
churches became businesses,
&
criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense
finally gave up the ghost after a woman driver
failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,
spilled it in her lap while driving with the full cup between her legs,
&
was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense
was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth & Trust,
his wife,
Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son,

Reason.
He is survived by a stepbrother,
My Rights;
&
his step-sister, Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral,
because so few realized he was gone.
If you were privileged to know him,
pass this on... ;D

[TJ]

Helpful Holiday Hints



1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat & presto!
The blockage will be almost instantly removed.


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2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.


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3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
peeing in the sink.


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4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.


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5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.


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6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.


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7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget
about the tooth ache.


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Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I
apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

If You woke up breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

[TJ]

HANGOVER
RATING SYSTEM:



One Star Hangover (*)


No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.



Two Star Hangover (**)


No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)


Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3
iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.


Four Star Hangover (****)


Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.


Five Star Hangover (*****)


You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....



THINGS THAT ARE
DIFFICULT TO SAY
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:



Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:



Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE
DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:



"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"

"Nope, no more booze for me"

"Sorry, but you're not really my type"

"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight"

"Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing"

" Okay, one more shooter but that's it "
(particularily Jaegermeister, lol)

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[TJ]

Real Advertisements:


Supposedly,
these are actual advertisements
that have appeared in papers
across the country.


Lost:
small apricot poodle.
Reward.
Neutered.
Like one of the family.


A superb and inexpensive restaurant.
Fine food expertly served by waitresses i
n appetizing forms. ;D



Dinner Special
-- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.



For Sale:
an antique desk suitable for
lady with thick legs and large drawers.



Four-poster bed, 101 years old.
Perfect for antique lover.

[Norsman]

Hello I am Nors
:PI like Pizza ;D

[TJ]

A HANDFUL OF FAMOUS BEER QUOTES


Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer.
-- Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
-- David Daye

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
-- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
-- George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
-- Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin