FUNNY Sayings/Stories/Poems/Quotes/Etc

[TJ]

Original Thread started on: Sep 2nd, 2003, 7:03pm By: TJ

This Is For Funny
Sayings/Poems/Quotes/Etc...

*****************************************

I Enjoy Reading
All Kinds Of Stuff
(That Makes Me Have A Chuckle)!

If You Have
Your Very Own
Funny Sayings/Quotes/Etc...
Start Putting Them
In This Thread Too !!!

[TJ]

« Reply #1 on: Sep 2nd, 2003, 7:05pm By: GAZ »

Things I Do Not Like about everybody ' by Billy Connolly



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". To right i do whats the point havin a cake and not eatin it??

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No you tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me much of a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then it can't have been improved. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it - so it can't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, you Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? F*cking ears? Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I absolutely detest.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw so I can jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you 're involved in an accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my broken limbs and be off.

[TJ]

_{« Reply #2 on: Sep 12th, 2003, 02:54am »}

Sure Fire Signs That Your Cow Has MAD-COW DISEASE:



Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne

She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."


Your cow takes up painting and wants to wear an earring.

Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be
a horse trapped in a cow's body.


Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.



Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King

She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.


Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has
a cool leather jacket.


Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position
chanting "MOO" backwards.


Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started
feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.




Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!


Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called
"LaCream Abdul Milkbar".

Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.


Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.


You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.


Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in
the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.



Better pass this one - There could be a mad cow
in your neighbourhood!

BUT TRY TO HAVE A
UTTERLY SPECTACULAR DAY!

(I Couldn't Resist! I Had 2 Share This One)!

[/b][/color][/center]

[TJ]

_{« Reply #3 on: Sep 12th, 2003, 03:47am »}

******************************************************





An old man, a boy and a donkey were going
to town. The boy rode on the donkey and
the old man walked. As they went along
they passed some people who remarked
it was a shame the old man was walking
and the boy was riding. The man and boy
thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.





Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both
would walk! Soon they passed some
more people who thought they were
stupid to walk when they had a decent
donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.






Now they passed some people that
shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were
probably right, so they decided
to carry the donkey. As
they crossed the bridge, they lost
their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.





The Moral Of The Story?



******************************************************



IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE,
YOU MIGHT AS WELL......



KISS YOUR SWEET ASS
GOOD-BYE !!!

******************************************************

HAVE A NICE DAY !

<<< CAREFUL WITH YOUR DONKEY >>>

[TJ]

_{« Reply #4 on: Sep 13th, 2003, 06:34am »}

God grant me the Senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now That I Am Older, Here's What I Have Discovered:

I started out with nothing,
& I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into
prunes and All Bran.



I finally got my head together,
now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being
absent minded...

All reports are in;
Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost,
where is it?



It is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog;
some days you're the hydrant.

Kids in the back seat
cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat
- cause kids!

I wish the buck stopped here;
I sure could use a few. . .



It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door
is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would have put them on my knees.



When I'm finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses...
they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut
and a grave is the depth.

These days I spend a lot of time thinking
about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something
& then wonder what I'm here after!

[TJ]

_{« Reply #5 on: Sep 13th, 2003, 06:43am »}

MEN Vs. WOMEN:



He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said . .... . You wear pants don't you?

********************************

He said . . .. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea -- you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

********************************

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

********************************

On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I DO NOT"!

********************************

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

********************************

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

********************************

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

********************************

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

********************************

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

********************************

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

********************************

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

********************************

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful! l?" God says:
So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she
would love you."

[/size][/center]

[TJ]

_{« Reply #6 on: Sep 15th, 2003, 1:55pm »}

SPARKY THE SPARROW





Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who
decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to
fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings
and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end.
But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.

Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and hearing the
chirping, investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the manure,
found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.


The Moral Of The Story:

Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

[/color][/center]

[TJ]

_{« Reply #7 on: Sep 15th, 2003, 8:59pm »}

If Bill Gates Was A Redneck:





1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a
hefty bag

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa

5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos

6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse





7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized
drunk redneck yelling Freebird!

8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be
Achy-Braky Heart

9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt

10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and
Bishul C++

11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag





12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word

13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts

14. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?

15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans-Am




17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse

18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire

20. Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead
cars in your front yard

21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator




22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

23. Instead of asking "where do you want to go today? it's more like
Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?

24. Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when
using the NotePad

[TJ]

_{« Reply #8 on: Sep 15th, 2003, 9:20pm »}

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[TJ]

_{« Reply #9 on: Sep 15th, 2003, 9:46pm »}

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for
a response when someone says
"You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.


Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.


Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple
begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt,
Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt
married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.


After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and
out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate
her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.



Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.


Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood
subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Pizza Schitt.


So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ.

You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!


Have A Fun Day!
(No Matter Who You Know)

[TJ]

_{« Reply #10 on: Sep 16th, 2003, 1:54pm »}

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.


2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry


3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.


4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.


5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.



6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it....
She moved in with me



7. You totalled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?


Have A Fun Day!

[TJ]

_{« Reply #11 on: Sep 17th, 2003, 1:46pm »}

PEOPLE ARE LIKE POTATOES:


Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.

They are called "Dick Tators"



Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.

They are called "Speck Tators".



Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.

They are called "Comment Tators".



Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them.
It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.

They are called "Agie Tators".



There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.

They are called "Hezzie Tators".



Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.

They are called "Emma Tators".



Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.

They are called "Sweet Tators".

[TJ]

_{« Reply #12 on: Sep 17th, 2003, 2:00pm »}

Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at
Thanksgiving But Aren't:

10. "Talk about a huge breast!"

9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

8. "Don't play with your meat."

7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."

4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"

3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"



1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

[/center]

[TJ]

_{« Reply #13 on: Sep 18th, 2003, 02:57am »}

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive lady arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said,
" I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down,
rolled the dice and yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
With that she picked up, all the money and clothes
and quickly departed. The dealers just stared
at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered,
"I thought YOU were watching!"

[/b][/color][/size]

Moral Of The Story:

MEN ARE DUMB!

[TJ]

_{« Reply #14 on: Sep 19th, 2003, 8:14pm »}

The Most Functional Word:


Well, it's shit...that's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, Be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains or just have a shit.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, Find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between Shit and Shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, there is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can scare the shit out of someone or be shit scared.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit,

you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, if you don't give a shit.

Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.

But if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head ...Well shit happens.

[TJ]

_{« Reply #15 on: Sep 19th, 2003, 8:58pm »}

Which One Of These
Four Things
Doesn't Belong?




DISHWASHER

WASHING MACHINE

WIFE/WOMEN

TV

? ? ?




ANSWER: TV

The Reason Is...

THE OTHER 3 LEAK WHEN THEY'RE F'D (SCREWED)!!!

[TJ]

_{« Reply #16 on: Oct 18th, 2003, 01:40am »}

REAL WOMEN:


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)



3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)



4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)



6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)



7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know . . . . it never happened)



(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)



8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[TJ]

_{« Reply #17 on: Dec 5th, 2003, 12:53pm »}

[glow=Silver,4,500]SIPPING VODKA[/glow]

This is too funny
– I still have tears in my eyes!
Finally, a chain letter
that I don’t mind forwarding.

Or Putting In The Dungeon:D...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.

( Well , I Didn't Break It I Put It In Here )!!!

Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh.

[TJ]

_{« Reply #18 on: Dec 8th, 2003, 10:49pm »}

Barbie's Christmas Letter To Santa

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

To: Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I Do Not Like to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list!

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new barbie for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

[TJ]

Believe It Or Not
This Is Suppose To Be Real...
Sent To Me This Morning
Via E-Mail By
Member Havoc...

Name Of Father For Child Support In England

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.


[/li][li] Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child "A" was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child "B" but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.


[/li][li] I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


[/li][li] I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that
I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.


[/li][li] I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.


[/li][li] I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.


[/li][li] I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.


[/li][li] I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.


[/li][li] Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?


[/li][li] From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.


[/li][li] So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.


[/li][li]I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.[/list][/color][/i][/size]