JOKES (All Kinds)

[TJ]

« Reply #24 on: May 30th, 2003, 02:51am By: ROCKinRON »

GROANERS:


Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
>
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."
>
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
>
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't
much but the reception was brilliant.
>
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
>
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
>
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
>
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink
says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
>
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
>
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad...
or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
>
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
>
I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
>
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
>
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

[TJ]

« Reply #25 on: May 30th, 2003, 8:11pm By: ROCKinRON »

An oldie but a goodie:

Did you know that KY Jelly has a Y2K version of it's product? It's called Y2KY Jelly.

Apparently, with this new product, you can now stick four digits into your date.

[TJ]

« Reply #26 on: Aug 11th, 2003, 03:51am By: CORKMAN »


Dont know if u have heard this one but here it is:

Whats the difference between a drugdealer and a prostitute?



A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

Pretty lame but at the time i heard it............it was funny

[TJ]

_{« Reply #27 on: Aug 18th, 2003, 4:51pm »}

Ain't Grandma's Grand?

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.

It says, "Thank you for the picture.

Change your hair style....it makes your nose look too short.

Love, Grandma

[TJ]

« Reply #28 on: Aug 19th, 2003, 4:20pm By: DEX »


A talking dog into a job exchange rings the bell and the assistant asks how can i help you the dogs says .I have come for a job..the assistant is dumbstruck omg she says come back in one hour and I will have a Job for you .so the dogs goes off..
One hour later dog comes back rings the bell .hello Mr Dog says the assistant I have got you a gt job at the world famious chipperfield circus..the dog looking rather puzzled says.........


What does a circus want with a plumber !

[TJ]

« Reply #29 on: Aug 19th, 2003, 5:44pm By: DEX »


A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[TJ]

_{« Reply #30 on: Aug 25th, 2003, 5:22pm »}

I heard these today from a guy named George on Uproar Chats...Hopefully, he does join the Dungeon

**********************************

How does a man w/crabs get rid of them?

He finds a cocksucker whom loves seafood and let's him go at it!

**********************************

What do you call a dog w/no rear legs & brass balls?

Sparky

**********************************

Why don't midget women wear tampons?

They keep tripping over the string

[TJ]

_{« Reply #31 on: Aug 28th, 2003, 8:26pm »}

THE BIGGEST PEE PEE:



There were three boys all in third grade:
A Short Boy, A Tall Boy and A Redneck.

They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Short Boy got an idea.

"I know," he said, "we can play,
?Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee?".

"How do you play that?" asked the Redneck.

"It's easy'' said the Tall Boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside.
"Alright," said the Short Boy, "Lets play."

The Short Boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee wins 5 dollars from the others.

And so the Short Boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed.

Then the Tall Boy pulled down his pants.
His pee pee was about the same size as the short boy's.

As the Redneck Boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.




"You win for sure," they both said.


Later that day the Redneck boy went home and his mother asked,
"So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called ?Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee?
and the other boys said I won because I'm a Redneck."




His mother laughed and replied,
"No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

[TJ]

_{« Reply #32 on: Sep 8th, 2003, 4:30pm »}

THE PENIS STUDY:


In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canada, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[TJ]

_{« Reply #33 on: Sep 8th, 2003, 8:00pm »}

Wally & Carolyn:

Marriage Seminar....


While attending a marriage seminar on communication Wally and his wife
Carolyn listened carefully as the counsellor declared "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."


He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"


Wally leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood
All-Purpose, isn't it?"


And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.

P.S. RockinRon (Member) Sent Me This Today Via Mail...

[TJ]

« Reply #34 on: Sep 8th, 2003, 11:25pm By: GAZ »

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES:


Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For shit sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F**KIN PORRIDGE YET !!"

[TJ]

_{« Reply #35 on: Sep 13th, 2003, 04:49am »}

Three Macho Eskimos were arguing about who had the coldest igloo.
So they decided to check each one of their igloos,
in turn.

Sure he'd win, the first eskimo pulled back his polar-bearskin
blanket, and revealed that his bed was made of ice.

"Nah, mine's colder," exclaimed the second Eskimo.
And when they reached his igloo, it was snowing inside.

"Pretty cold," conceded the third Eskimo,
"but I've got you beat."
He led the way to his igloo, where he pulled back
the bedcovers to reveal a brown spot on the bed.
Chipping it off with an ice pick, he tossed it into the fire,
and after several minutes They heard a noise, like someone passing gas.

In response to the puzzled glances of the other two Eskimos,
he exclaimed with a smile,
"My igloo is so cold, that even my farts are frozen!".

[TJ]

_{« Reply #36 on: Sep 13th, 2003, 05:08am »}

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for
the evening. The woman of the house decided
to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the
night off. She said they would be home very
late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

* * * * *

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't
having a good time at the party, so she came
home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there,
as several of his important clients were there.

* * * * *

As the woman walked into her house, she saw
Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her, and led him
into the master bedroom. She then
closed and locked the door.

* * * * *

She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said.
"Take off my dress." He did this carefully.

* * * * *

"Jerves," she continued.
" Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

* * * * *

"Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She Looked At Him & Then Said,

" Jerves, If I Ever Catch You Wearing
My Clothes Again, YOU'RE FIRED!"

Have A Fun Day!
(Keep your clothes in a safe place)

[TJ]

_{« Reply #37 on: Sep 13th, 2003, 05:54am »}

Do The Screw? ? ?


It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.
When he goes to the front door,
the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably
just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to
Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father,
"Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in
her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.



Almost breathless with anticipation,
Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:





"DAD, IT'S CALLED
- THE TWIST!"

[TJ]

_{« Reply #38 on: Sep 13th, 2003, 06:17am »}

BE CAREFUL WHAT U PRAY FOR!





A man was complaining: Oh Lord, please have mercy on me,
I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home.
I would give anything if you would grant me one wish,
"switch me into my wife."
She's got it easy at home.
I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn,
makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast,



wakes up the kids for school,
puts a load of clothes in the washer,
takes the meat out of the freezer,
drives the kids to school,
on his way back stops at the gas station,
cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills,



picks up some clothes from the cleaners,
and then quickly goes to the market.

It was 1:00 o'clock already, he made the beds,
took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in.
He vacuumed the house, made some rice,
went to pick up the kids from school,
and had an argument with the kids.

As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside,
he helped the kids with their homework,
watched some TV while he ironed some clothes,

prepared dinner,

he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep.
At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed.
Of course there was some more duties,
like the mattress mambo,
and somehow he managed to get that done
and finally fell a sleep.



The next morning over coffee, he prays to God once again:
"Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish?"
I can't take it anymore.
I beg you please switch me back to myself,
please oh please."
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying:
"Dear son, of course I'll switch you back to yourself but
there's one minor detail,



YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT
9 MONTHS COS'
LAST NIGHT YOU GOT
PREGNANT!

[TJ]

« Reply #39 on: Sep 14th, 2003, 9:52pm By: JHolley »


Microsoft vs. GM
================

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for
the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,
we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road,
close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but
would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An
Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted
the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[TJ]

_{« Reply #40 on: Sep 15th, 2003, 10:41pm »}

Kids Say The Darnest Things:


During a well check visit,
a pediatrician asked
his six-year-old patient, Billy,
who watched a good many TV ads,
just to make conversation:

"Billy, if you found a couple of dollars
and had to spend them,
what would you buy??

?A box of Tampax,? he replied without hesitation.

?Tampax?? said the doctor.
?What would you do with that??
?Well,? said Billy, ?I do not know exactly,
but it?s sure worth two dollars.


With Tampax, it says on TV,
you can go swimming, go horseback riding,
and also go skating, any time you want to.?

[TJ]

_{« Reply #41 on: Sep 15th, 2003, 10:58pm »}

SUICIDE BLONDE:




A blonde hurries into
the emergency room
late one night
with the tip of her index finger shot off.



"How did this happen?"
the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide,"
the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit
suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my
chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these
breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."



"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just
paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going
to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear
before I pulled the trigger."

[TJ]

_{« Reply #42 on: Sep 15th, 2003, 11:07pm »}

What's The Hole For ?


Little Suzy was in the garden filling in a hole,
when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked,
"What are you doing there, Suzy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Suzy,
tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Suzy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied,




"That's Because He's Inside Your Fricken Cat!"

[TJ]

« Reply #43 on: Sep 16th, 2003, 06:21am By: MUTTERUK »


wow those are really funny!!!!! ;D