JOKES (All Kinds)

[TJ]

Rain


Ok, I met this woman named Suds on Gamesville while playing 3eyed Bingo ... Anyways in that site we call the bingo caller Dickie ... lol ... So here's one joke my hubby told me a long-time ago...

How do you know you have Dickie Do Disease?










Your belly sticks out further than your dickie do

[Suds]

PEARLS OF WISDOM DELIVERED BY GEORGE CARLIN

COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work
environment!

And Last but not least..... George CARLIN said it best about Martha Stewart .. "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too. But they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her off to jail."

[Rain]

SUDS MY MOM WENT TO SEE CARLIN A FEW YEARS AGO LIVE! SHE LAUGHED HER HEAD OFF

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...
(IronMans Parties )

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national anthem.

17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

[TJ]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she
sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a
bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood
sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind
a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you
knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

Brighten someone's day!

[Suds]

This is for all you girls 50 years and over.... and
for those who are turning 50, and for those who are
scared of moving into their 60's...AND 70's....and for
guys who are scared of girls over 50!!!!

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most
of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of
the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't
care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game,
she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does
something she wants to do. And, it's usually something
more interesting.

A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be
assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and
from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a hoot
what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a
screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle
of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve
it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think
they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often
undeserved. They know what it's like to be
unappreciated. A woman over 50 has the
self-assurance to introduce you to her women
friends. A younger woman with a man will often
ignore even her best friend because she doesn't
trust the guy with other women. Women over 50
couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends
because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to
confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always
know.

A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red
lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you
get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far
sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell
you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like
one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand
with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of
reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every
stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 50+, there
is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool
of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire
Pig, just to get a little sausage.

[TJ]

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'".

[TJ]

Too Funny, Not To Share! Enjoy! ;D


Two old men decide they're close to their last days
and decide to have a last night out on the town.
After quite a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers
and whispers to her manager,
"Go up to the 1st two bedrooms & put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two guys are so old & drunk, I'm not wasting two of my women on them!
They won't know the difference!"

The manager does as he's instructed.

The two men go upstairs & take care of their business.

As they're walking home, the 1st man says,
"You know, I think my woman was dead!"

"DEAD?" , says his friend, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was lovin' her!"

His friend says, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch!"

"A WITCH, why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was makin' love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her
a little bite, then she farted & flew out the window...
takin' my teeth with her!!!"