JOKES (All Kinds)

[TJ]

Original Thread started on: Apr 3rd, 2003, 12:14am By: TJ

Put Those Hilarious
[glow=Yellow,4,500]
J O K E S [/glow]
Right Here

NOTE: Put Jokes
In Right Threads Though !
Thanks

[TJ]

Reply #1 on: Apr 9th, 2003, 02:41am By: LORDofAGONY

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?








It depends how hungry you are when you're done.

[TJ]

« Reply #2 on: Apr 13th, 2003, 8:13pm By: ICEMAN »

how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?







one, a man 'ell screw anything

[TJ]

« Reply #3 on: Apr 13th, 2003, 8:16pm By: ICEMAN »

heres one that i made up when i was on brake and bored...



a 200 lb man walks in to get a liposuction and comes out weighing 60 lbs. the man seems surprised at his new look. the doctor says the good news is you lost 140 lbs, the bad news is you can only live five minuits without your heart.



gimme some feedback on that one... i thought it wus funny


_{« Last Edit: Apr 13th, 2003, 8:18pm by ICEMAN666 »}

[TJ]

Reply #4 on: Apr 30th, 2003, 9:26pm By: TJ


[shadow=blue,left,300][glow=blue,2,300]HOW TO BATHE A CAT:[/glow][/shadow]
===================

[glow=red,2,300]1. Thoroughly clean toilet.[/glow]

[glow=green,2,300]2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.[/glow]

[glow=purple,2,300]3. Find the cat and soothe him as you carry him to bathroom.[/glow]

[glow=orange,2,300]4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.[/glow]

[glow=teal,2,300]5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)...is quite effective. [/glow]

[glow=maroon,2,300]6. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.[/glow]

[glow=yellow,2,300]7. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.[/glow]

[glow=pink,2,300]Sincerely,[/glow]





[shadow=blue,left,300][glow=blue,2,300]THE DOG [/glow][/shadow]

[TJ]

_{« Reply #5 on: Apr 30th, 2003, 9:31pm »}

Men are like ........ Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
>>
Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
>>
Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.
>>
Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
>>
Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
>>
Men are like ........ Chocolate bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
>>
Men are like ........ Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
>>
Men are like ........ Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
>>
Men are like ........ Department stores ...... Their clothes are always ? off.
>>
Men are like ........ Government bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
>>
Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
>>
Men are like ........ Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
>>
Men are like ........ Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
>>
Men are like ........ Lava lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
>>
Men are like ........ Parking spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[TJ]

_{« Reply #6 on: Apr 30th, 2003, 9:40pm »}

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian........ on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him...... on the horse and they trotted off.
>
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a"
so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.
>
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
>
"Nothing....she said.... I merely sat behind him on the horse...put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

>



[shadow=hotpink,left,300][glow=hotpink,2,300] "Lady....." the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback".[/glow][/shadow]

[TJ]

« Reply #7 on: May 1st, 2003, 04:31am By: MUTTERUK »


[glow=red,2,300]a blond, brunnette, and a red head were on a cliff and decide to jump

firstly the brunnette jumps.... *splat*
it takes a few hours to clean her up

the red head pauses for a few seconds and then jumps... *splat*
it again takes a few hours hours to clean up

the blond then jumps

AHHHHHHHHH *screaming pauses for a moment*
AHHHHHHHHH *it again pauses*
AHHHHHHHHH *and again*

it takes her 6 hours to hit the floor!!![/glow]

why did it take 6 hours to hit the floor??


every so often she had to stop and ask for directions!!!
;D ;D ;D

[TJ]

_{« Reply #8 on: May 1st, 2003, 12:52pm Note: This Should Be In Blonde Jokes Thread »}

BLONDE JOKES:

AUTO REPAIR

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are
you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why,
officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down
and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!"
The blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the
first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads. You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
burn up! " Said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not
stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists
of yes / no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of
inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is
still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen
desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator,
alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam
in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local
park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind
the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She
pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had
instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your
money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

[TJ]

« Reply #9 on: May 1st, 2003, 1:02pm By: STRIPPED »

never put ur penis in a vacumm cleaner, no matter how many inches the tv add says it will give to you...............

[TJ]

_{« Reply #10 on: May 1st, 2003, 7:35pm »}

Reply #3 on: Apr 13th, 2003, 6:16pm By: ICEMAN666,
heres one that i made up when i was on brake and bored...

a 200 lb man walks in to get a liposuction and comes out weighing 60 lbs. the man seems surprised at his new look. the doctor says the good news is you lost 140 lbs, the bad news is you can only live five minuits without your heart.


gimme some feedback on that one... i thought it wus funny

Hey, Ice...I think it's pretty good btw!

[TJ]

« Reply #11 on: May 1st, 2003, 9:31pm By: ICEMAN »

haha...thx

[TJ]

« Reply #12 on: May 2nd, 2003, 02:37am By: DRUMIN »

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?




10 one to do it and 9 to stand around saying ahh shit! I could have done that!

MOOD SWINGS...


My Husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood
it leaves a big feckin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe he will be buy me a diamond next time!

[TJ]

« Reply #13 on: May 2nd, 2003, 02:49am By: DRUMIN »

One night a man says to his wife "honey I am getting up at 5 AM to go fishing tomorrow. She says to him "ok hun I will come with you". He replys "ya right you always say that and then you never get up and come with me so don't even say that, but if you really mean that you will come and you don't get up I get my choice of either getting a BJ or anal sex from you". The wife agrees.

The next morning at 5 AM the husband wakes up his wife and says ok hun lets go fishing. she says" screw that it's 5 am I am not gettin up. So he says to her "well dear you remember you deal with me and I want anal sex". reluctantly the wife agrees and lets him do his stuff.

A little while after that she sees the dog walk by and says to the husband "honey how come the dog is walking so funny"? He looks at her with a pissed off look on his face and says "Ya I know the lazy prick didn't want to go fishing today either?

[TJ]

« Reply #14 on: May 2nd, 2003, 08:05am By: MUTTERUK »


how many councillers does it take to change a lightbulb?










1 but it must want to really change its self

[TJ]

« Reply #15 on: May 2nd, 2003, 08:06am By: MUTTERUK »


how many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?










fish

[TJ]

« Reply #16 on: May 15th, 2003, 09:15am By: MrPINK »

Knock Knock
Who's There?
King Kong

King Kong who?
King Kong playing with his rubber ding-dong

ha ha
(i know its not funny)
Devils suck

=----------------------------------------------------=

« Reply #17 on: May 15th, 2003, 09:17am By: MichaelMyers »

hahahah....loser!

=----------------------------------------------------=

« Reply #18 on: May 15th, 2003, 09:22am By: DarkSerif »

hey whats this
< < < < < < < < < < < < <












I dunno either but here it comes again
> > > > > > > > >> > > >

=----------------------------------------------------=

« Reply #19 on: May 15th, 2003, 09:24am By: DarkSerif »

how did the math teacher get rid of his constipation?













he worked it out with a pencil

=-------------------------------------------------=

« Reply #20 on: May 15th, 2003, 09:26am By: DarkSerif »

THis indian tribe called the fugawe are walking around alright. This one indian said hmm we are all alone and the other one says where da fugawe

[TJ]

« Reply #21 on: May 16th, 2003, 04:22am By: MUTTERUK »




a left hand man to a big chief went to the doctors
he says to the doctor "big chief no shit!"
the doctor thinks for a moment then gives the man a small tablet,
the next day the man comes back and again he says "big chief no shit"
the doctor then gives him a bigger tablet,
the third day he again came back and again stated "big chief no shit"
the doctor now getting frustated gives him the biggest tablet available,
on the forth day the man comes back to the doctors and says "big shit no chief!"







hope you lot like that one!!
give feed back please ;D

[TJ]

_{« Reply #22 on: May 20th, 2003, 11:43am »}

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.


Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.


Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...


Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck


Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.


Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.


Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at
a cost of $800,000.

[TJ]

_{« Reply #23 on: May 20th, 2003, 12:16pm »}

[shadow=red,left,300][glow=red,2,300]NEVER SAY TO A COP[/glow][/shadow]



1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)


2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?


4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125
mph to keep up with me. Good job!


5. Are You Andy or Barney?


6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.


7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


8. I pay your salary!


9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last
officer only gave me a warning, too!


10. Do you know why you pulled me over?
Okay, just so one of us does.


11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I
know there are no other cars around.
That's how far ahead of me they are.


12. When the Officer says
"Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with,
"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed,
have you been eating doughnuts?"