TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:24:40 GMT -5
« Reply #64 on: Sep 25th, 2003, 05:28am »THE FINAL TRAINING: Three female agents at the CIA Academy were in their
last phase of training. The male instructor called them
into a room and said to the first one:
"Take this gun and go into the next room.
I want you to assassinate whomever you find there.
If you don't do this, you don't graduate."
The lady took the gun, and went into the next room,
where she found her husband.
Taking one look at him, she returned to the instructor,
threw down her gun, and quit, saying,
" I can't do this".
The next trainee, went into the room and saw her own husband.
She hesitated a moment, then she too, resigned.
The third trainee, took the gun and went into the room.
The instructor heard six rapid shots, followed by screams,
thuds crashes, then silence.
The door opened and out came the third agent, all bloody,
And her hair in disarray.
She said to the instructor:
"You idiot, you gave me blanks!
I had to strangle him!"It Goes To Show:
You Have To Do What It Takes,
Even If It Means Killing Your Husband  .
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TJ
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Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:25:16 GMT -5
« Reply #65 on: Sep 25th, 2003, 10:06pm »ONE HOT VACATION RESORT...  A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
Dearest Wife,
Just Got Checked In.
Everything Prepared
For Your
Arrival Tomorrow!
Your Loving Husband...
P.S. It Sure Is Hot Down Here!
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TJ
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Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:27:08 GMT -5
« Reply #66 on: Sep 30th, 2003, 2:45pm By: MAC » THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY:
1. good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:28:30 GMT -5
« Reply #67 on: Sep 30th, 2003, 9:13pm »YOU'VE GROWN UP: 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:30:27 GMT -5
« Reply #68 on: Oct 1st, 2003, 3:24pm By: MAC »Woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks "What for?"
She says "I want to kill my husband".
He replies, "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He watches and says : 'OK, this prescription will do!'
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:31:52 GMT -5
« Reply #70 on: Oct 3rd, 2003, 1:21pm »THE BABY-PHOTOGRAPHER  The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith
the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh Yes, I Have To Use A Tripod
To Rest My Canon On.
It's Much Too Big For Me To Hold While
I'm Getting Ready For Action.
Madam? Madam?....Good Lord, She's Fainted"!
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:32:27 GMT -5
« Reply #71 on: Oct 20th, 2003, 11:07am »One day a policeman stopped a motorist
who had just gone through a four way stop
sign and was about to give him a ticket
when the motorist said. "Officer you can't
give me a ticket for that!"
"Why not" said the officer.
"Because although I did not stop I slowed
right down and its almost the same."
"But you did not stop" replied the officer,
and the sign says STOP."
"But the way was clear and it was safe"
replied the motorist.
The officer then pulls out his baton and
starts hitting the motorist's car.
"What are you doing!" yells the motorist
in surprise.
"Do you want me to slow down or stop?" says the officer.
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:34:34 GMT -5
« Reply #73 on: Nov 3rd, 2003, 12:27pm »
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee & said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers Compensation & went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:35:07 GMT -5
« Reply #74 on: Nov 8th, 2003, 12:08pm »One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The Little Girl Thought About This Revelation For Awhile & Then Said,
" Mama,
How Come
ALL
Of Grandma's Hairs
Are White? "
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:36:17 GMT -5
« Reply #75 on: Nov 27th, 2003, 09:17am »NINE MONTHS LATER: Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van & headed North. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm & asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
" I realize it's terrible weather out there & I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
" Don't worry," Jack said. " We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, & the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, & they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob & asked,
" Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North? "
" Yes, I do," said Bob
" Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house & pay her a visit? "
" Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. " I have to admit that I did."
" And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name? "
Bob's face turned red & he said, " Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
" Why do you ask? "
" She just died & left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you)?
Now Keep That  SMILE For The Rest Of The Day !!!
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:36:51 GMT -5
« Reply #76 on: Nov 27th, 2003, 2:11pm »CHRISTMAS WARNING... Christmas Has Been Cancelled
&
It's ALL Your Fault
Because You Told
SANTA
You Had Been Good This Year...And He Died Laughing! 
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:38:58 GMT -5
« Reply #78 on: Nov 27th, 2003, 10:55pm By: GRIMSGIRL »  HEY GUYS GOT I'VE GOT SOME MICHAEL JACKSON JOKES FOR YA!!!! ;D
HOW DO YOU KNOW THERE'S A PARTY AT MICHAEL JACKSON'S HOUSE?
: THE LINEUP OF TRYCICLE'S OUT FRONT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S SUPPERTIME AT MICHAEL JACKSON'S HOUSE?
: WHEN THE BIG HAND TOUCHES THE LITTLE HAND.
WHAT DO PEOPLE YELL AT MICHAEL JACKSON WHEN HE'S WALKING DOWN THE BEACH?
: GET OUTTA MY SON. LOL LOL LOL LOL.
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:41:10 GMT -5
« Reply #81 on: Nov 28th, 2003, 02:55am »How 2 Approach A Gay-Man At The Bar:" Excuse Me - Can I Push Your Stool In "
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TJ
Administrator/Owner
Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:43:07 GMT -5
« Reply #83 on: Nov 30th, 2003, 4:15pm By: TROLL »
all (er most) of the jokes are good realy fun to read them send i more fun stuff ! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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