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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:09:03 GMT -5
« Reply #45 on: Sep 16th, 2003, 1:41pm »   A young couple were in their honeymoon suite
on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed,
the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his
pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size
of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband.
"I'm the man in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could
only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's
going to be until your Damn Attitude Changes!"
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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:09:46 GMT -5
« Reply #46 on: Sep 16th, 2003, 3:34pm »   I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's
rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so
I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"
And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"
What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre
so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to
call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions, bye!" 
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:10:38 GMT -5
« Reply #47 on: Sep 17th, 2003, 11:56am By: GAZ » THE DEFECTIVE PARROT:
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.
"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this..... How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Psssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20.. Just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know whether I should tell you this or not. It's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.."
"WHAT? ? ?" the guy asks incredulously.
"Then what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..."
"WELL? ? ?" demands the frantic guy.
"THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"DAMNED IF I KNOW, I GOT A HARD-ON
AND FELL OFF MY PERCH!" |
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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:11:37 GMT -5
« Reply #48 on: Sep 17th, 2003, 12:03pm By: GAZ » Anyone game enough to share this with their spouse??!! A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband...
"I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?" The husband replies...
" Well your eyesight's spot on "  ! |
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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:12:19 GMT -5
« Reply #49 on: Sep 18th, 2003, 01:54am » This is dedicated to everyone who has ever been embarrassed
by a child's words or action... My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old
daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a
while, so I asked, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me. "Then I said,
"Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just
knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting worse.
So...........I asked one more time,
"Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled....
"See MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up
his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
I was mortified......
but some kind elderly people
made me feel a lot better,
when they came over and thanked me for the
best laugh they had ever had!!! 
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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:12:56 GMT -5
« Reply #50 on: Sep 18th, 2003, 02:39am »  The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies"
as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing
to forgive their enemies. About half held up
their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for
another twenty minutes and repeated his
question. This time he received a response
of eighty percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen
minutes and repeated his question. With all
thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded
except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?'
"I don't have any."
"Ms. Jones, that is very
unusual. How old are you?
"Ninety-three."
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and
tell the congregation how a person can live to
ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down
the aisle, very slowly turned around & said:"It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."
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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:13:34 GMT -5
« Reply #51 on: Sep 18th, 2003, 11:35am »The Best of the Worst Country Music Song Titles:
~These are REAL songs ~! - If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
- Do You Love As Good As You Look?
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
- Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
- I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- I Wanna Whip Your Cow - I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
- I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight,(even if she had a chance to win)
- I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
- I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
- If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
- If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
- If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
- If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone who will
- If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
 - Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
- May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
- My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
- My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart - My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
- Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
- Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill- She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft;
- She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
- She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
- Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
- They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
- Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
- When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
- You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too - You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd - You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat - You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly  [/color][/size] YA'LL COME BACK NOW YA HEAR![/center]
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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:14:19 GMT -5
« Reply #52 on: Sep 18th, 2003, 11:43am »WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?" [/color][/size]  ~ "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE," ~
She Replied![/center]
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TJ
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Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:14:57 GMT -5
« Reply #53 on: Sep 19th, 2003, 11:01am »The Year: 2035 Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops
& livestock.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American
Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq,
Syria, and Lebanon)
Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least
ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows
so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and
baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
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TJ
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Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:15:34 GMT -5
« Reply #54 on: Sep 19th, 2003, 11:19am »  Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't
think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can
ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Reply from dad...
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt
forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and
you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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TJ
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Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:17:02 GMT -5
« Reply #55 on: Sep 19th, 2003, 8:06pm »[glow=White,4,500]THREE PENGUINS:[/glow]
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots three penguins
sitting in the back of the truck.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins
the back of your truck?"
The man in the truck says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them,
but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says,
"You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man
in the truck, and drives away.
The next day the man with the truck is back
at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins
are still in the back of the truck. "Hey, they're still here!
I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver,
"And we had a swell time!
Today I am taking them to the beach."
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TJ
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Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:18:05 GMT -5
« Reply #56 on: Sep 19th, 2003, 8:17pm »WHEN MEN LIE:
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen
into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is
this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes
to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied!
That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with
Ashly Judd. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with
my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I
am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S
why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The Moral Of This Story Is:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason,
and most importantly - for the benefit of others.
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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:19:08 GMT -5
« Reply #57 on: Sep 19th, 2003, 8:48pm »
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat
and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see
your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys
get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been
waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before
he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he
gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for
miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks around to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."
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TJ
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Posts: 6,058
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:20:13 GMT -5
« Reply #58 on: Sep 19th, 2003, 9:11pm »An elderly Florida did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her way.
A few minutes later she found her own parked four ir five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:20:48 GMT -5
« Reply #59 on: Sep 19th, 2003, 9:14pm »ONE WISH:
Two Arabs
are in a locker room
taking a shower after their racquetball game
when one notices the other has a
HUGE CORK stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second,
"that cork looks very
uncomfortable.
Why do you not take it out?"
"I cannot", lamented the first Arab.
"It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says,
"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard
and top hat came oozing out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie.
I can grant you one wish."
I said, "NO SHIT!"
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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:21:38 GMT -5
« Reply #60 on: Sep 21st, 2003, 4:40pm »THE MOST
POWERFUL WORD? Well, shit...
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced,
shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.
With a little effort,
you can get your shit
together,
find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get
off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit
while others can't tell
the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
and sweet shits.
There is bull shit,
chicken shit.
and horse shit
You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit
or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier
than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times
when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find
yourself up shit creek
without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come
out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the
basic building block of creation.
AND REMEMBER, ONCE YOU KNOW YOUR SHIT, YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!
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TJ
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Post by TJ on Dec 19, 2003 16:23:08 GMT -5
« Reply #62 on: Sep 23rd, 2003, 1:09pm » By the time Chuck pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken.
He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded.
"Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager,
"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth,
he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past.I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning Chuck came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed."How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.
"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Chuck.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"
Chuck explained."I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,'
and he sat up all night watching me."
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But I Love Working To Plzzzz 
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