JOKES (All Kinds)

[TJ]

A Few Good Lawyers


A lawyer is standing in a long line
at the box office.
Suddenly,
he feels a pair of hands
kneading his shoulders, back, & neck.

The lawyer turns around.

" What the hell do you think you're doing? "

" I'm a chiropractor,
&
I'm just keeping in practice
while I'm waiting in line."


" Well, I'm a lawyer,
but you don't see me
screwing the guy in front of me,
do you?"

[TJ]

Beautiful?

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “ You're beautiful! ” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “ You're cute! ” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “ beautiful ” it was
“ cute. ”

She said “ What happened to ‘beautiful’ ?

His reply was ...

“ The drugs are wearing off! ”

[GrimsGirl]

[glow=HotPink,2,300] Two old lady's were sitting down for breakfast, one old lady saw a suppository in the other old lady's ear. Upon telling the old lady that it was there, she replied " oh thank you, now I know where my hearing aid is" lmfaro ;D[/glow]

[jaz]

How many men does it take to do the dishes?

both of them

Do you know why you can't find a beautiful, intelligent man? They all have boyfriends!
Okay, nuff gay bashing! (If you read this and you are gay, don't take it personnally)

[Tomb Raider]

hey gay men are the best

[FluffyScooter]

sIGNS OF MEN-O=PAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them.
3. You change your underpants after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN...............
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of our face!
2. You son't care where your spouse goes as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all nighter means not getting up to pee!
6. A friend is like a good bra, hard to find, supportive, comfortable and always close to your eart.

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND.............
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothes. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothes, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk".

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least, I think that's what he said.............

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.



Now excuse me, I have to go out looking for my mind, it went South without me!

[Mutteruk]

there were 100 nuns walking around their convent when they came across a condom wrapper on the floor, 99 of the nuns gasped, 1 giggles,
on closer inspection they see the condom has been used,
99 nuns gasp, 1 giggles,
on even closer inspection they see the condom is split,
99 nuns giggle and 1 nun gasps.

[TJ]

Super Funny Mutteruk

[Mutteruk]

glad you liked it!

[Rain]

A Man calls home.

Maid answers phone.

He says, " Can I speak to my wife? "

She says,
" No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."

He tells the maid, " Ok, go to the hall closet & take out my shotgun. Go upstairs & kill them both."

Being the loyal maid, she says, " Ok."

5 minutes later she picks up the phone & says,
" Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"

He says,
" Throw them in the pool, & I'll take care of them when I get home."

She says, " We don't have a pool."

He asks, " Is this 555-1234? "

[DEX - \m/]

2 canibals in the jungle eating a clown one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you"

[Mutteruk]

rotfl

[DEX - \m/]

My grandma wanted to go to Holland but was scared to drive because cars are too fast....... :-/she didn't want to fly because planes fall out of the sky ;)so we persuaded her to go by boat across the English channel to holland shame the ship sunk........
a plane crashed into it..

[Mutteruk]

haw haw!

[Blue Thunderbird]

Question:

Why do you think that
most caucasion women like
Native men?







Answer:

Cause they are
ALL UPFRONT!

_{TJ Modified To Size 3}

[DEX - \m/]

:)It shouldn't happen to a vet



A vet is talking to a customer about her dog who is not at all well........the customer is not happy and asks for a second oppinion, so the vet gets on the phone and this cat walks in with a white coat on looks at the dog lying on the table shakes it head and walks out......the vet rings up again and a Labrador dog comes in with a white coat on looks at the not well dog shakes his head and leaves..........
The vet says that will be $1,358.25c what says the customer I wanted a second oppinion.........so that vet says "I gave you a Cat scan and a lab report "and your still not happy................

rotflmao

[TJ]

ROTF Good One Dex

T.V. Healing:


Grandma & Grandpa
were watching a healing service on TV.


The evangelist called to all who wanted
to be healed to go to their TV set,
place one hand on the TV
&
the other hand on the body part
where they wanted to be healed.


Grandma got up
&
slowly hobbled to the TV,
placed her right hand on the set
&
her left hand on her
arthritic shoulder
that was causing her
to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up,
went to the TV,
placed his right hand on the set
&
his left hand on his crotch.



Grandma scowled at him & said,
" I guess you just don't get it.
The purpose of doing this
is to heal the sick,
not to raise the dead."

[DEX - \m/]

:Dhaha I like that..........

[Mutteruk]

thats really funny!!

[GrimsGirl]

[glow=HotPink,4,300]My daughter told me this one yesterday How do you know an Elephant was in the fridge? You can see footprints in the peanut butter ;D[/glow]