JOKES (All Kinds)

[DEX - \m/]

Q) Why aren't there any white M&Ms?



A) Because they'd enslave the black M&Ms, steal all the red M&Ms' land, hunt the blue M&Ms to extinction, accuse the yellow M&Ms of obstructing trade, start a panic that the little green M&Ms were invading the Earth, and complain that the damn brown M&Ms were taking all their jobs

[TJ]

HAhaha Dex Good Jokes

Cow Patties

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.

He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door.

Before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.



He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[TJ]

Cute Little Lesson In Class

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."

Then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

" First, you have a dirty mind. "

" Secondly, you didn't read your homework."

" And Thirdly,
one day you are going to be VERY,
VERY disappointed!"

[TJ]

ONE MORNING,
A COMPANY BOSS READ
AN UNUSUAL LETTER
FROM ONE OF HIS
EMPLOYEE'S...




Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read in the new$paper$,
the U$ economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.


In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.
I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of
u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including
$weat and $ervice to your company.


I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.


Your$ $incerely,


Norman $ol






THE NEXT DAY,
THE EMPLOYEE
RECIEVED THIS REPLY...




Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays,
NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that
our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as of yet.


NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading
ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go
into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential
elections things may turn bad.


I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.


Yours truly,
Boss

[TJ]

[glow=White,4,500]SMART[/glow] [glow=Red,4,500]CANADIAN:[/glow]

Three Canadians & Three Americans
Are Travelling By Train To A
Hockey Game...

At The Station, The 3 Americans
Each Buy Tickets But The Canadians
Buy Only A Single Ticket.
" How Are The 3 Ppl Going To
Travel On Only 1 Ticket? " Asks An American.
" Watch & You'll See", Answers A Canadian.

They All Aboard The Train.
The Americans Take Their Respective Seats
&
Close The Door Behind Them.
Shortly After The Train Has Departed,
The Conductor Comes Around
Collecting Tickets.
He Knocks On The Bathroom Door & Says,
" Ticket, Please. "
The Door Opens Just A Crack & A Single Arm
Emerges With A Ticket In Hand.
The Conductor Takes It & Moves On.

The Americans See This & Agree It Was
A Clever Idea. So After The Game,
They Decide To Copy The Canadians
On The Return Trip & Save Some Money
(Being Clever With $$$, & All That).

When They Get To The Station,
They Buy A Single Ticket For The
Return Trip. To Their Astonishment,
The Canadians Don't Buy A Ticket At All!

" How Are You Going To Travel Without
A Ticket? " Asks One Perplexed American.

" Watch & You'll See, " Answers A Canadian.

When They Board The Train
The 3 Americans Cram Into A Bathroom
&
The 3 Canadians Into Another Bathroom Nearby.
Once The Train Leaves The Station,
One Of The Canadians Leaves & Walks
Over To The Bathroom Where The
Americans Are Hiding,
Knocks On The Door,
And Says,
" Ticket, Please. "


[glow=White,4,500]SMART FOLKS, WE [/glow][glow=Red,4,500]CANADIANS[/glow][glow=White,4,500]eh? [/glow]

[TJ]

[glow=Teal,4,500]THE MAILMAN[/glow]


One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his
usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are
in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night."
The Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday
night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am
Sunday morning. We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over
for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that
around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in
the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our
"units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess
who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds,
"your name was guessed four or five times."

[Mutteruk]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha its soo funny!

[DEX - \m/]

:)like it ;D

[Mutteruk]

pokes dex in the belly button! lol

[GrimsGirl]

[glow=HotPink,2,300]Well here is an Indian Joke!
If you know how Indian (Native) people talk then this joke is for the peepz who know.

What do you call an Indian with a longer leg than the other?



Not even lmarooooo!






[/glow]

[DEX - \m/]

;Dlmarrrooooooooooo

[Mutteruk]

quarrrrr haw haw!!

[TJ]

Two Priests:


Two priests died at the same time
&
met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said,
" I'd like to get you guys in now,
but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth
for about a week,
but
you can't go back as priests.

What'll it be? "

The first priest says,
" I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

" So be it," says St. Peter,
&
off flies the first priest.

The second priest
mulls this over for a moment
&
asks, " Will any of this week 'count,' St. Peter? "

" No, I told you the computer's down.
There's no way we can keep track
of what you're doing."

" In that case,"
says the second priest,
" I've always wanted to be a stud."

" So be it " says St. Peter,
&
the second priest disappears.

A week goes by,
the computer is fixed,
&
the Lord tells St. Peter
to recall the two priests.

" Will you have any trouble locating them? "
He asks.

" The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.
" He's somewhere over the Rockies,
flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be
More Difficult."

" WHY? " asked the Lord.



" He's on a snow tire,
somewhere in Saskatchewan."

[TJ]

EAR:


There's nothing worse
than a snotty doctor's receptionist
who insists you tell her what is wrong
in a room full of other patients.

I know we all have experienced this,
&
I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man
walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk,
the receptionist said,
" Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today? "

" There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated & said,
" You shouldn't come into a crowded office
&
say things like that."

" Why not?
You asked me what was wrong & I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied,
" You've obviously caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something
&
then discussed the problem further
with the doctor in private."

The man walked out,
waited several minutes
&
then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly & asked,
" Yes? "

" There's something wrong with my ear, "
he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly & smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice.

" And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? "


" I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[TJ]

Cowboy In A Gay Bar:


A cowboy walks into a bar & two steps in, realizes it's a gay bar But " what the heck, " he said to himself, " I really want a drink."

When the gay bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, " What's the name of your penis? "

The cowboy says, " Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay bartender says, " I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis, those are the rules.

Mine for instance is called Nike, from the slogan ' Just Do It '.

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ' It really satisfies '."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sittting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, " Hey bud, what's the name of yours? " The man looks back & says with a smile " TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, " Why Timex? " The
fella proudly replies, " Cause it takes a licken' & keeps on tickin'! "

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita & says, " So, what do you call yours? " The man turns to him & proudly exclaims, " FORD, because Quality is Job One."
Then he adds, " Have you driven a Ford lately? "

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender & exclaims, " The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." ;D

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer but with a puxxled look asks, " Why Secret? "



The cowboy says,
" Because it's
STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

[TJ]

The Ultimate Response To A Dear John Letter:


You gotta love a man like this...Humor in the face of defeat


A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained
that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone
&
she wanted to break up with him.

AND,
she wanted pictures of herself back.


So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do.
He went around to his buddies
&
collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
He then mailed about 25 pictures of women
(with clothes & without)
to his girl friend with the following note:



" I don't remember which one you are.
Please remove your picture & send the rest back."

_{Should Do Like Member Havoc Says...
Add Her Relatives Pics In The Mix}

[TJ]

Calling In Sick:


Employee: I'm calling in sick for today.

Supervisor: What seems to be your problem?

Employee: The doctor says that I have anal glaucoma.

Supervisor : Anal glaucoma? What's that?

Employee: I just can't see my ass coming in to work today.

[jaz]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

#2 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3 We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4 The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

...So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
[/i][/b] ;D ;D ;D

I couldn't resist posting this!!!

[TJ]

Good One Jaz ;D

Here's A Long One But Hilarious

www.ahajokes.com/fp050.html

[TJ]

Airplane Hijinx


Two women,
one from the north & one from the south,
are seated next to one another on a plane.


" Where you flyin' to? "
says the southern woman.

The northern woman turns up her nose.

" Don't you know you should NEVER
end a sentence with a preposition? "


The southern woman
thinks about this for a second.



" Where you flyin' to, bitch? "